NBA Trade Machine blogs are ridiculous, simple, and downright dumb. Some people live by "you should never say never," but I am very confident when I say that the trades I put together in ESPN's Trade Machine would NEVER happen. That's because I don't use it for its true purpose, which is "hey, I've heard rumors about this guy getting moved. What would it take to bring him here?" What I do is send a text out to some friends that reads "Who are your favorite non Celtics players?" And that is why these always get out of hand. Let's get started...I'll lead off why my guests this time. What did Thundah have to say? Trade #1: Thundah's ThreeBY FAR the easiest group to bring to Boston. Only one guy who is a very high salary in The Greek Freak. Draymond has a salary that could've been a little tougher once eating Antetokounmpo's salary, but I was able to make it work without giving Golden State much in return. Starting 5: Kris Dunn (but really Kyrie Irving), Gordon Hayward, Jaylen Brown, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Draymond Green Two points here...first of all, Hayward is making the starting five because everybody is healthy in this scenario. Also, Brown is starting over Jayson Tatum only because I know Thundah would've included Brown in his favorite players if I allowed Celtics. Trade #2: Mugsy's MenThis is where it started to get more difficult. I could not trade for Steph or Russ because they can't be traded for a certain amount of time after signing an extension blah blah blah. Classic ESPN trying to screw Boston. Mugs is going to get two trades because, in an attempt to make him happy, I held onto Al Horford in this original deal but only came away with Embiid and Dunn. I didn't have much problem trading Kyrie because Mugsy is not his biggest fan. Starting 5: Kris Dunn, Gordon Hayward, Jaylen Brown, Jayson Tatum, Joel Embiid. And here we come down with everyone Mugsy Lopez wanted, but he had to part with Lou Merloni's favorite max contract guy "Average Al." Starting 5: Kris Dunn, Klay Thompson, Gordon Hayward, Jayson Tatum, Joel Embiid. Trade #3" Austin's AthletesOk, first I have a few things to say about this Austin character. Where to start? How about the fact that Thundah and Mugsy responded in seconds. Austin didn't respond until the next day. When Thundah and Mugsy responded it came through blue as iMessages do. Austin text, which came through the next day, is that gross green color of non-iPhone users. Ugh why did I even ask him. Especially when, without any of you knowing this was a competition (hell, I didn't know it was a competition until maybe seven minutes ago) Austin is OF COURSE going to win. Thunds bought the Celtics 10 wins. Mugsy, in his best case scenario, cost the team two wins, and SMARTY PANTS AUSTIN OBVIOUSLY GETS THE TEAM 21 WINS. And on top of all of that, he gave me the most difficult players to work with. Can I get Harden? Nope, designated player. Steph? Designated player. Old man Dirk? No-trade clause. Paul George? Contract over. As I mentioned, he bought the Celtics 21 wins. But at what cost? He had to give up his boo, Al Horford, along with one of the two youngins, the whole freakin' bench, and he still comes away +21. Well, I guess while he lost a lot of the current bench players, he shifted Hayward to the bench so there's that. Starting 5: Kyrie Irving, Victor Oladipo, Gary Harris, Anthony Davis, Nikola Jokic *Is Gary Harris better than Gordon Hayward? Helllllll no. But Austin wanted him so I added him in the starting lineup. Trade #4: Sam's Stacked SquadNow it's my turn. And for me it's not about getting players I love. Gordon Hayward would have been on that list but now I don't need to go get him. No, for me it's about beating Austin. I need to find a trade that gets me +22 wins. I'll be back, give me a few minutes... That's right, baby!!! Pulled off the unthinkable! USA upsetting the Soviet Union! UMBC smashing Virginia! You can take your 21 wins and shove 'em, Aus! And I've got Hayward coming off the bench, too. AND I didn't deal Brown or Tatum!!
Starting 5: Kyrie Irving, Gordon Hayward, Giannis Antetokounmpo, Anthony Davis, Karl-Anthony Towns *Fun fact, I actually got the Celtics up to +27. Instead of moving that load for Davis, I subbed in Hayward. But I wanted to keep Hayward because he's been my favorite player since he looked like a 12 year old in the National Championship. Seriously, though. Look at how Hayward has changed. Brady-esque.
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SAMUEL PERICOLOSam is a graduate of Assumption College where he studied History, Marketing, and Political Science and was a Co-Producer on a weekly sports talk television show. Archives
March 2018
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